1. A cat video filter for her internet browser
2. A “Cliff Notes” version of a book on the craft of writing
3. A word processor that auto-corrects telling instead of showing
4. An instant-inspiration pill that is not harmful, habit-forming, or fattening
5. A mobile desk so she can pace and write at the same time
6. A voice-activated graphic design program that will take an infinite number of vocal commands to design the perfect book cover
7. A music app that syncs up the type of scene she’s writing with the appropriate mood music
8. Special glasses that can scan people’s brains and instantly know whether they’ll be interested in her book or not
9. An automated candy dispenser that will only release a piece of chocolate for each time she writes another 1,000 words
10. A keyboard that makes typing feel like she’s petting a dog
10. This session didn’t count, right?
9. I’m going to warn you up front that I don’t take criticism well.
8. How many books should I expect to sell in the first week?
7. I’m not looking to hire a writing coach, I just wanted to send my manuscript to you to get your feedback.
6. I never realized how effective semi-colons are.
5. My writing group thinks you’re wrong.
4. How many copies of my book are you planning on buying for your friends?
3. What are your rates for writing college research papers?
2. Can you help me get my fan-fiction into Barnes and Nobles?
1. I’ve got the cover image done, now I just need to write the book.
Can you think of any more? Leave a comment below.
1. Get out of bed feet first.
2. Hold the correct end of the fork while eating.
3. Wear more than one article of clothing while driving.
4. Spell your name correctly on the first try.
5. Turn up the volume when a good song is playing.
6. Look at your phone at least once.
7. Say something funny (at least, YOU thought it was funny).
8. Open doors before going through them.
9. Have at least one idle thought an hour while awake.
10. Resolve to get something done tomorrow.
1. Contrary to what the experts might say, it’s surprisingly hard to dress a live chicken in a tiny tuxedo.
2. “Ha! the joke’s on you!” I shouted. “I’m not wearing any pants!”
3. All stories have to begin somewhere. This one starts part-way through the middle, skips to the end, then goes back to the beginning to see what we missed.
4. The early morning light glistened like liquid gold on Larry’s bald head.
5. There is a prophesy, as ancient as time. But those things are never right anyway, so never mind.
6. I woke up, hanging upside-down over a pool of lava while fiendish bug people danced the Macarena nearby. “Not again,” I thought.
7. I suppose you could say it all started last Tuesday. You’d be wrong, of course. It all started on Thursday, but you can say Tuesday if it makes you feel better.
8. The quest was over. You missed it.
9. Magic was thick in the air. Either that, or someone had recently spritzed the room with Febreze.
10. Nobody suspected the armadillo.
Jaylocke inched closer to Keltin, doing his best to remain silent in the deep snow.
“Aren’t you going to take the shot?” he asked, nodding towards the beast moving along the far bank of the icy river.
“I can’t,” Keltin whispered.
“I can’t pull the trigger while wearing these mittens.”
– (not from) Into the North
“Die, foul wizard!” screamed Eric as he launched himself into the room, only to be met by a young man in strange clothing with some sort of puppet on his knee.
“Err, I think you’re in the wrong story,” said the young man.
“Oops, sorry about that.”
“Try knocking next time!” said the puppet.
– (not from) Magic, Mystery and Mirth
Baron Rumsfeld turned to Keltin.
“Captain Moore, I need a brave volunteer for a dangerous mission.”
Keltin nodded somberly. “All right. Let me go look for one.”
– (not from) The Beast Hunter
This world is completely alien. the sky, the land, the moons. Two moons. How can that be? I must be on another world, as impossible as that sounds. Alone and stranded on an alien world. And before you ask, no, I don’t have any cell coverage here.
– (not from) Lost Under Two Moons
1. The fishbowl felt surprisingly heavy as I placed it over my head.
2. In all my years as an arborist, I never had a tree hug me back. Until today.
3. “Of course I can babysit your walrus,” I said with a forced smile.
4. It’s hard when anyone’s ex comes back for a visit. Mine came back as a zombie.
5. I doubt anyone will believe the fantastic adventure I had last summer, so I’ll tell you about the weekend I spent binge-watching Netflix instead.
6. I went to Australia to find myself. Unfortunately, it turned out I wasn’t there.
7. It wasn’t until my first concert that I found out I’d been blowing into the wrong end of my saxophone.
8. You don’t know me, and that probably won’t change by the time you’re done with this story.
9. It goes without saying that I also got a flat tire on the day that my house blew up.
10. The mongoose said this would happen.